Book Review
Title: Vanilla
Author: Billy Merrell
Genre: Romance/Verse/Own Voices
Rating: *****
Review: So all I knew about this book is that it is a book written in verse that has LGBT+ romance. It turns out that it is written in verse but has alternating perspectives from Vanilla and Hunter as they navigate the complexities and complication of a teenage romance as well as being gay. The opening few poems to Vanilla really allows us to get to know both Vanilla and Hunter as well as some other character like Clown who have a bigger role later on. Vanilla and Hunter start off as friends but quickly develop a relationship, Vanilla is quiet and shy but has a fierce temper at times while Hunter is excitable but is at times the voice of reason. The boys seem to navigate a gay relationship really well despite the fact that Vanilla has homophobic family members. However, it is when Hunter mentions sex that things turn a little sour, Vanilla seems genuinely afraid of having sex and what it means do always pushes Hunter away, however, Hunter sees sex as the next logical step in their relationship and gently nudges Vanilla towards it despite how much he pulls away and as time passes it feels like Hunter is pressuring Vanilla into it.
I can understand them being teenagers and having raging hormones but Hunter’s thoughts border on rapey at times and it is a little disturbing, but they seem to work despite this. We can clearly see that the boys have differing opinions on love, romance, and sex which often leads to tension between them. One thing that doesn’t work for them is that both boys seem very insecure and have tempers that flair up at the worst possible times. Despite his strange thighs earlier Hunter tries valiantly to get Vanilla to discuss what they want out of the relationship, but Vanilla stubbornly refuses to even broach the subject of change especially where sex is concerned.
Things take a drastic turn when Hunter takes Vanilla to a Halloween posted hosted by the Gang run by Clown who are all gay and proud of it. While Hunter is happy to be surrounded by other gay boys who are extremely open about every aspect of their lives including sex Vanilla comes across as borderline homophobic. As the party draws on Vanilla degrades and belittles Hunter by advertising their lack of sex life despite the fact, he’s the one pushing Hunter away and then has the balls to get mad at Hunter when the Gang makes fun of him. Despite the pair going their separate ways for the night they eventually cool off and everything seems normal. Until Vanilla tells Hunter he is ready for the next step when we can see he is clearly uncomfortable with this which will only lead to problems later on. We also get some perspective from Clown who likes either Hunter or Vanilla it is hard to tell but that love is unrequited, and it makes him sad as well as a little bit bitter.
We also see through Clown’s perspective that he is in love with Hunter who is so blinded by his love for Vanilla he can no longer see that Vanilla doesn’t love him back. Clown is an outsider looking in which is where we see a whole new look on Vanilla and Hunter’s relationship. Vanilla is so scared of being intimate to the point where he finds anything more than hand holding out light kissing frightening while Hunter has become so starved for physical affection, he has turned to online chat rooms to feel desirable, to feel wanted and loved. Although nothing happens it really stresses the mental state of both these boys. Clown knows that if Hunter was with him, they could give each other what they need, Hunter would make Clown feel pretty without the outfits and the makeup and Clown would make sure Hunter was always wanted and never starved for physical affection.
As Hunter and Vanilla’s relationship spirals further and further out of control both seem to be thinking hour long before the other gives up on me entirely, but they can’t seem to leave each other alone even when they want to. However it has gotten to the point for both of them where being together is causing them so much pain and distress especially to Hunter who is constantly asking himself it is better to leave Vanilla or let him figure out himself that it’s already over but then tries desperately to win back the love and affection they had when they were younger but it isn’t working ad they are current people now who want entirely different things out of the relationship and there seems to be no room for compromise.
When things finally fall apart, I was expecting it but not in the way out happened, but it seems that this is the best option for both Vanilla and Hunter. Hunter is able to move on with an older more experience college boy who is able to give Hunter the physical affection he so craved from Vanilla, while Vanilla is able to discover himself outside of his relationship with Hunter despite trying to get him back and learns that he might be asexual which is why he had no desire to sleep with Hunter despite finding him attractive. Vanilla also gets to know Clown now going by Angel a lot better and they have more in common than they ever thought. However, it is bittersweet as Hunter to move forward had had to leave behind the people he lobbed the most, to the point where he was hurting himself to love them.
As we cross into the final section of the novel, I was reduced to sobbing. The way Hunter and Vanilla were at war with each other and slowly came back together even as just friends was beautiful. They realised that the things they loved about each other haven’t changed only their perspective of them has and how despite all the animosity and pain they can still choose to be friends and remember all the beautiful memories they made that will last a lifetime. Vanilla was a beautifully heartbreaking look at ten sexuality and relationship that at times was so raw and real that I was moved to tears. If you need a new own voices LGBT+ read, then I highly recommend this book.
Buy it here:
Kindle Edition: amazon.co.uk amazon.com
Paperback/Hardcover: amazon.co.uk amazon.com
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